Tacky Sea Tale

Part One

Captain Maximillian Phebes looked despondantly out to sea, studying the anvil shaped storm clouds that were gathering on the horizon. He stroked his greying beard with concerned strokes and puffed away on an inch long cheroot. Ever since his days on the sub hunter HMS Undertow chasing nazi u-boats, the ocean was part of him. He turned to look at his vessel, painted in a peculiar shade of lavender, it was christened the "Speedy Raj", named after the owners tortoise, Harold. It was an iron hulled freighter and was again being used to transport a shipment of sugared plums from Port Dennessen to England.

The captain's mind soon turned to his unusual encounter with the ships owner over a year ago. Doctor Percy Quebec was a wealthy and influential eccentric who had married his parrot (named "peanuts") courtesy of a special act of parliament. He then left London to live in a cave in the Lakes District where he intended to cultivate a pineapple plantation. The Captains journey to the Doctors unusual abode was through rugged territory, but after a mornings hike he spotted the cave and the resident. The Doctor was discovered standing in front of the cave, dressed from head to ankle in the full regalia of an eighteenth century French aristocrat. However, on his feet were two hollowed out pumpkins acting as rudimentary footwear.

"Excuse me, Doctor Quebec?", enquired the captain.
"Yes my good man, and you must be Captain Phebes. Pleased to make your acquaintence", responded he with charm.

With introductions extinguished, the two men entered the cave which was adorned with expensive furniture and even more expensive artwork that consisted almost entirely of oil paintings of nudes.

"This is quite a place you have here Doctor", proclaimed the captain, "But quite out of the way, I must say".
"Close enough", exclaimed the Doctor, adjusting his powdered wig, "for important people to find me. But where are my manners, would you like a cup of tea?"
"Yes, thankyou".

With that, the doctor reached down into the lower left leg of his britches, and extracted a small silk purse that contained fine tea leaves which he emptied into a china teacup.

"Milk?", asked the doctor.
"Er, yes please", responded the baffled captain.

From nowhere the doctor produced a live goat, and proceeded to milk the animal directly into the teacup.

"There you go, my boy, enjoy"

It hadn't missed the attentions of the captain that his cup of tea had in fact been missing a crucial ingredient, that of hot water, however before he managed to broach the subject, he was interrupted by the doctor, "Well, it's been a pleasure to meet you old chap, do look after my ship now", and with that the captain was escorted from the cave and began his treck back to civilisation. Looking over his shoulder as he walked, he could see the doctor performing a morris dance in front of the cave, for no-one in particular.

Part Two

"Captain!", boomed a voice with enough power to surprise the captains cheroot from his lips and topple over the railings into the sea. It was Miles Small, the captains second in charge. He was a bulky man of inderterminate North African origin and stood at the surprising height of six feet tall, surprising because he usually stood at a height of five feet nine inches.

"Small, for goodness sake don't creep up on me like that", spluttered the captain. And then identifying the rather sudden gain in height of his number two man, he glanced down to see that he was wearing a pair of ladies high heeled shoes, silver in colour.

"What on earth are you wearing man?"
"Heels captain!"
"Why are you wearing heels?"
"To maintain a look of excellence captain"

Sensing the possibility of discovering an uncomfortable truth, the captain ceased his line of questioning and turned his attention to the important matters at hand.

"Set sail, Small, set sail for Southampton. A storm is set to strike!"
"Sorry sir, we are a steamship. We have no sails"
"Very well, set steam, Small, steam to Southampton"
"Certainly sir!"

With that the captains deputy strode away with commensurate skill in the high heels considering the pitching and rolling deck of the ship. The captain gazed mournfully at the deep green ocean, and longed for the years upon HMS Undertow hunting the nazi u-boats.

The End.