06 February 2012

Vanilla Brogues

Standing on the pavement, he looked forlornly at his left shoe and pondered its deterioration. It was made all the worse by the apparent good condition of the right. To make matters worse, a blob of his ice cream slipped from its perch atop a crispy cone and landed with a splattering upon the worn out toe. He thought, "I scream, but perhaps I should just shoe-oosh up".

Meanwhile, not very much was happening elsewhere.

29 January 2012

Bestin & Edwina

Bestin Spequrious, a man of another time, found himself in the town centre awash with contradiction. To his left, he spied a curious woman wearing a frozen quail atop her head and reciting low quality prose. He grinned in a useless attempt to veneer his contempt that she was wearing an organic quail while his was merely "free range". Anyway, the day was growing increasingly less refrigerated and so he removed the deceased bird, constructed a sturdy boat from yesterday's newspaper and placing the increasingly pungent non-feathered creature upon it, placed it into the large duck pond to set sail. As it drifted away he threw coloured streamers and waved his handkerchief. Bystanders were surprisingly accepting of the situation.

Meanwhile, in the town of Greater Normalsville, a congregation of the people was taking place. For discussion was the issue of cactus, and it's role in the arctic regions of the Zambese corridor where the penguins roam. Edwina, third empress of Lexinbridge, wearing a black lace tablecloth with attached tea set was red faced and roaring. "You fools", she cried, "do you not know that the Zambese region is the last place on earth where one can find the peppercorn people, known far and wide for there dance of the eleven toes?". A murmur flowed through the crowd as this revelation changed opinions to that of a more sure-footed aspect.

28 January 2012

Red Riverbank House

I have no idea why this fascinates me
...but it does.

10 January 2012

Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's Off To Work I Go

Question. What makes a seemingly sane chap pass up a good 9 to 5 job to commence doing shift work on the same salary? Well, actually there are a few good answers to this and as yours truly has performed exactly this type of career metamorphosis, who better to spill the beans. 
Work and career has always been a fairly straightforward process for me. I've rarely concerned myself with seeking the "dream job", my calling that will allow a miraculous contribution to the universe. I never felt that was entirely necessary, instead believing that regardless of the job you have you should extract what you can from it and perform it as best you can. Do this, and you will enjoy your work. 

So, when the opportunity to make a change to shift work was set before me with new tasks and experiences to investigate, I couldn't hold back. Yes indeed the times I would require to be at work are a little odd, and it would cause some disruption to social and recreational opportunities. However sleeping late, not working on Mondays, going to the beach when others are at work, avoiding traffic, and being uninvited to the most boring and pointless meetings as they do not align with my roster are ample compensations. 

Just ask me again tomorrow when I start at 5AM.

29 December 2011

Xmas is Over

For another year. Hooray!

11 July 2011

Advantage Vintage

Trips away broaden one's experience and indeed for myself, broadening my anything is reason enough to flee SinCity.

Under cover of darkness, I propellered into the land of many berries last Friday. Making contact with Agent M who successfully identified herself using a clever double-bluff to throw off enemy agents (ie. looking like herself, waving at me as I entered the terminal, saying hello and administering a kiss and hug...... so obvious that they didn't look out for it!), we then mobilised into the night automobilically. Base station was ruther good so proclaimed a chap called Glen. My task for the weekend was to present a stunning display of knowledge shortcomings with regards to sophisticated fruit juice, cleverly disguised.

Tardyness is usually inexcusable, so it was with wonder that I entered the dining facility at our headquarters and was not pummeled with pies. Agent M, myself and the very patient pairing of agent J and agent L sat down (not in a coordinated way mind you, they had accomplished this task preceeding my arrival) to consume consumptables. I was introduced to a Ukrainian fowl who said very little but was butter for it. I occasionally peered up to make sure my face was not getting too close to the plate. Discussions were discussed regarding the next days discourse and we retired.

Agent M and I cohabitated the murder room, and I squeamed at the thought of ghostly visitations during the wee hours. Agent M made helpful suggestions along the lines of future murders if I continued to take discussions in paranormal directions and so I decided to simulate death for several hours.

After the following dawn (well after) and suitably breakfasted we made contact with the first of many local juice pimps. He conversed cordially with Agents M/J/L and politely veneered his detection of my ignorances the way one does with a helpless dunce. I delighted in tilting stemmed glasses into my face, usually when they contained an exalted beverage. I nodded when terms such as bouquet, nose, length, complexity, levels, notes, and vestibuliranariousness were bandied about. I later learnt that it had something to do with the stuff we were drinking. I grinned inanely and stroked the ever present cat. The process was repeated more than once as a repeated process frequently is. As I was in charge of turning the steering wheel in our automobiliousness transport I ensured all such grape juice that passed my lips was dissapointingly spat into a spitoon. Surprisingly, my shirt displayed no remnants of the exercise as I was expecting to look like a crazed butcher by the end of the day.

That evening we ensconsed at a local eatery... to eat. I ordered the calamari in a further attempt to disguise my ignorance of all things good. Presented before me on a plate the size of a viking shield were squidgy tubes filled with nutty niceness. I ate it, muffling my usual animalistic eating noises as we had company. To follow was a fist of honest red meat in the form of a fist of honest red meat and potatoes so wonderfully smoked I wondered if I was going to develop a habit that would need Nicola Roxon to legislate they only be sold in plain packages. I wanted to throw my eating utensils across the room and bury my face into the offering. Dessert was timed timidly and even someone like me with an underdeveloped sweet palate felt tooth decay was worth the experience.

The following day we continued the tour. I was an expert on cat stroking by then (but useless at wine comprehension) but nary a cat could be found. The tour ended at a chocolatarium where I drank iced coffee and an organic burger that tasted just as good as a real one. With the evening not too far away and many miles needing to be covered we bid farewell to Agents J/L who I believe were off to overthrow the bra canning industry and we began our journey home to the RBoO. Agent M proceeded to communicate with me primarily through the technique of singing along to her iphone which made the five and a half hour journey so much easier as it drowned out the noise of the trucks roaring alongside us.

Anyways, bottoms up !

08 June 2011


"Explain", enquired he, "What is meant by procrastinationary denialism?".

"Sha'n't", responded she, "Until perhaps tommorrow".