Say What?

A rather interesting thing happened at work today. Well, I thought it was interesting but many others may not. However, being the despotic overlord of this here blog, today's occurrence shall henceforth be considered a "rather interesting thing". Disobedience to this doctrine will not be tolerated.

Ahem.... where was I?.... oh yes

I had transmitted an email of general inquiry to my counterpart in the faraway city of Santiago, Chile. A response was received far too quickly which upon opening revealed itself to be in the language of the Spanish. This intrigued me, not because of it's content which I could take a very educated guess at deciphering, but as to what a chap as myself with almost zero Spanish language skills should do with it. Now, usually I would entreaty the skills of a resident colleague who hails from the city of Madrid. "Nay!", said I and with my technogeek inner self singing in delight, I copied and pasted the email into "Google - Translate", selected the relevant languages and pressed the button for action to commence.

Success!

There in all it's glory was a perfect translation (checked by my colleague from Madrid) confirming what I suspected, that my counterpart was on holiday and extensive instructions on who should be contacted to assist with my inquiry.

In further thought, a question arose a little while ago regarding what language we will all be speaking in the future. With borders tumbling, electronic communication and inexpensive travel in abundance, will individual languages survive? Will there be one "Super Language" that we will all eventually submit to? This is not a new enquiry, but I was thinking of the options:

- Esperanto
There's been a lot of talk about this being a "universal language". I don't think so. It's a constructed language (by Dr. Ludovic Lazarus Zamenhof). I don't think we are going to accept a constructed language. We want something that has evolved naturally, that has the influence of generations of people who added little quirks and curiosities to it. Constructed languages are like pre-packaged frozen lasagne, they do the job but are not very satisfying.

- English
Probably the most commonly spoken language in the world, I believe there will be resistance to it's adoption as a primary language in many parts of the world, simply due to nationalistic pride. Fair enough I say !

- An Amalgamation of Different Languages
This is already happening. Multicultural societies inject an influence on local language. The result is colourful verbalization, the evolution of language that us wordy people enjoy so much.

There is another option, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Referring back to the "rather interesting thing" mentioned earlier, I wonder if technology will soon answer the question for us. If someone like me with feeble Spanish language skills can easily convert a message into English, perhaps there will be no need to concern ourselves. Ah yes, I can hear those with multi-language skills tut-tutting, "Hold on there Dan, you can't rely on Google Translate to give you an ACCURATE translation". But here's the thing, is it possible that the increased use of these translation tools will evolve our languages in a way that reduces the chances of translation error?

Without striking fear into hearts, will the language of the future be..... Googlish ?

What's Dan Watching - Antichrist

It's pretty clear that I have been in a movie mood as of late. Perhaps the vile humidity of a Sin City February has brought this on, a time when the coolness of my cheap leather couch, the a/c cranked, a chilled ice-cubed drink and a bloody big telly are worthy of my time and attention. Or perhaps I have an affinity with couch-potatoism. Meh, who know's, but one thing for sure is that if you wish to ruin the pleasant atmos then spend 109 minutes watching a film that gently intrigues the viewer before making every effort to have them running screaming from the room in revulsion. Either that or watch the movie "Antichrist", which achieves exactly the same result.

First of all to be fair, there are some really amazing black and white slow motion sequences in this film, including one or two that are so damn close to high class erotica that I found myself exclaming the occasional "blimey!" in appreciation. Yes indeed the cinematography was quite something.

So let's get onto the disturbing bit. A slight bit of plot spoiling here. Basically, a married couple are in the shower having crazy monkey sex when their young child is killed when he accidentally falls out of an open window. Guilt and depression descend predominantly upon the wife and her husband who is a therapist tries to fix her up. It doesn't work and he decides (rather foolishly I might add) to dash them off to a secluded cabin to try a few other techniques. It doesn't work and something dreadful happens to his testicles. There's actually a lot of other things that happen but quite frankly, all I can really think about are testicles after my viewing of the film. If this sounds weird, see the film and you will know what I mean.

And now, I want to put all this out of my mind.

What's Dan Watching - Inglourious Basterds

What is it about bad boys?

I always loathed the evil villain, and cheered on the hero as he conquered in the name of truth, justice, and the something or other way. The scoundrel always scared me and I liked nothing better than seeing him/her put out of action. I still remember sitting in a darkened cinema with my Father cowering in fear at the mere sight of Darth Vader doing what he did best.

But strangely, my attitude has changed and I am now such a fan of the reprobate's of film it's almost worrying. Is there something in my subconscious that wishes I were like them? To ooze confidence and snub one's nose at societies rules and regulations. To wallow in luxuriating power, as the little people fulfill your every desire. To be stunningly intelligent so as to never have anyone get the better of you, and use this intelligence for the betterment of your own selfish fancies. People who know me usually say I'm a pretty decent person, and frankly I feel practically incapable of wrong-doings. But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel I'd like my dark side to have a little exercise. Don't panic, my moral compass is always in control ;)

I speak of such things, because a soon to be favourite (if he isn't already) vagabond has appeared on my screen. Quentin Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds" received a viewing and has comfortably placed itself in my collection of QT classics. But, the highlight must be the performance of Christoph Waltz playing the part of the dreaded SS Colonel Hans Landa. With the nickname "The Jew Hunter" his role is to unsurprisingly locate hiding Jews in nazi occupied France during WWII. The character is intensely intelligent, ruthless and morally reprehensible. The performance by Waltz in the role is quite extraordinary, something about the pronounced jawline, the searing eyes, and the uncomfortable efficiency of his interactions with the other characters clearly marks him out to be a man to be feared. To say I was a little mesmerized is an understatement. I hated him, but I also found him infinitely interesting.

The movie as a whole is typical Tarantino. The violence is ridiculously and wonderfully over the top, the black humour is in abundance, the dialogue unrushed and intense. Once again there are multiple interesting stories occurring throughout the film that all intersect, a tough thing to do well, but here done successfully. The ending may not be everyone's cup of tea, but Tarantino films have never ended sensibly and never suffered for it.

Basically, if you didn't like any of QT's previous films you won't like this one. But it's worth seeing if only for the performance of Christoph Waltz. He has a new fan.

What's Dan Watching - Airways

There's a general consensus that Australian's are not exactly the most creative of folk. Ofcourse, this is rubbish, but only up to a point. Frankly, we tend to pick and choose the best facets of overseas culture and adopt it as part of our own. Oh yes, there have been ingenious Australian inventions exported (think rotary clothes lines, wine casks, and dual flush toilets), but they hardly represent enlightened turning points in human civilisation. So it's a relief that Channel 7 has decided to not "rock the boat" by unleashing "Airways" onto the Australian television viewing public.

Based on the successful "Airline" and "Airport" format from the UK (ableit 10 years or so after they had exploited the concept, Australian television executives are not terribly progressive thinkers), Channel 7 has managed to produce quite a vile little product with minimal expenditure (Let's face it, it's a camera crew spending a day at an airport!) and even less originality while knocking together something that helps them meet their minimum quota of locally produced material to keep their broadcasters licence. Bravo! Narrated, yes thats right, narrated by Corinne Grant (comedienne....apparently) in a voice that suggests she's either high on smack or simply a pain in the arse, the show concerns itself with the airport operations of Tiger Airways (one of our new "spam in a can" airlines) and their customers (let's just refer to them as "bogan's" for the sake of argument). If you enjoy laughing at stupid people, you've come to the right place.

Essentially, said bogan's have discovered that for the price of a slab of beer they can get flown in an aero-plane (say it slowly, a-e-r-o p-l-a-n-e) to the Gold Coast to get pissed. Little do they realise that unfortunately the world does indeed not revolve around them, and the other 150 bogan's on the plane have little interest in delaying their debauchery for the occasional "Super Bogan" that decides to rock up late for their flight. And this, this is where the hilarity begins as we see combinations of tears, anger, and laments. Oh, to be in attendance at the airport at these moments, to point and laugh and harangue. The only thing more interesting is to catch a glimpse of the faces of the airline staff. They look restrained, but it's clear they are thinking "If I was to jump over this counter and punch this person in the face, would the world judge me harshly?". God, what I'd give to see that.

Speaking of punches in the face, one should be reserved for the sound editor who for reasons that can only possibly be because Channel 7 has some sweetheart deal with the bastard record companies, insists on innappropriately dropping in too many snippets of top 40 pop music at full volume. It's not even decent music either, it's that shite where some daft talentless tart sings a lament about how her boyfriend won't pay her mobile phone bill or some such tripe.

It certainly isn't the most God-awful piece of Australian made television, I believe Neighbours and Home & Away are still battling it out for that title bless 'em, but frankly they could have done this without Corinne Grant (many things could be done successfully without Corinne Grant me thinks), without the turgid music, and without a fancy camera crew. Give a few travellers a handycam and you've got a show!

Now boarding on Channel 7 at 8PM Sundays.

Bar-Rooms and Beauties for the Bard

The scene is a trendy city nightspot. Our hero walks in and proceeds to the bar.

--------------------------
Dan: Druid of Deity, my soul and sensibilities require diversion. Ice cold attitude of Tastic temperance would satiate the burden. May your powers and will be of sufficient strength to conclude my pondering?
(Bartender, I'll have a Cascade Lager please.)

Bartender: Forbearance is the watchword sir, as we face temptations to champion concoctions representational of the feeble ilk. The potions from afar are poorly indicative of our passions, but hark, the recepticle is nigh, and your illusions of utopia are to become positively judged.
(I think we've got one out the back.... yes we have.)

A pretty lady walks over to the bar, catching our hero's attention. He speaks to her.....

Dan: A breeze, of lavender and rose petal sensibilities could be considered crass in this moment. Thine ownership of the beguiling tendancies over the weak has struck and hath captured another. With begging, for I cannot breath another breath until my curiosity has been plunged into the sea of knowledge. Does thou regard the locative instrument of our shared time and space as of some commonality?
(Hello Beautiful, do you come here often?)

Lady: Rather odd fruit to proclaim, and of limited strength in artistic terms.
(Is that the best chat up line you've got?)

Dan: Forgiveness, but my tutor was in combination with absence and ignorance when the lessons of life were in bestowement. Perchance a door to knowledge would wonders do, if ye care to turn the latch?
(Sorry, I'm not very good at this, where did I go wrong?)

Lady: The mind and matters pertaining to it light the pathway to the prize. The unsuccessful neander of brutish concept are inept of this. A connection, thee soulfully impoverished tick, with a desiress is a celebration, smiled upon by the gods and blessed for eternity. Mercilessly, ye must suppress urges to take vile actions and exhibit animalistic insensitivities. In the heart of the heartess beats a song with rhythm, and duets need collaborative energies, such as sails need the wind. Abrupt and dunced speech doth indicate turbulence ahead. Are ye of a thinking sort? Can thee accept Gods script of truth and light the candle of courtship?
(???? *Male attention span exceeded*)

Dan: Ha ha. My abode is sparse and lightning bolts of mind matter gave rise to speculation. Humorous affiliations with jungle sorts were at the forefront of ponderings and.......
(So, I was thinking of getting a pet monkey...)

Lady: Desist. Compadre's have broadcast my moniker and the gravity of their enquiries is lunar. A parting of the ways is nigh.
(Someone's calling me. I have to go now.)

End.

Bread and Butter for the Bard

Below is an interpretation of how the bard may have brought my lunchtime escapades to the globe theatre. A version of CliffsNotes are included in brackets however I hope they won't be used and the reader will trust their own interpretation.

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Entrance stage right our hero. He walks up to a counter of food service.

Dan: Hark, oh angel of sustenance, an imposition on thee.
(May I place an order, please?)

Lunchlady: Fair toiler of the pasture, emit your necessity and through noble gesture I shall grant thee wish of anti-famine.
(What'll it be bud?)

Dan: Between twice leathend, the flesh of the beast noble, hence sacrificed for the betterment of man, a singular of the udder spirit intensified, and brought to completion with the devils fruit, red as anger, bursting with sweet blood when pursed between thine lips. Is it folly to dream of such, to please my wretched stomach groan?
(Meat -indeterminate, probably ham-, cheese, and tomato sandwich please.)

Lunchlady: Doth the article of which you speak is pure of soul, unsullied by friend or foe and constant as the seasons. The evilness of the brimstone beckons to purge the natural being and allow delectable vileness an entrance to its station. Weakness, is it in thee?
(Do you want it toasted?)

Dan: Nay seductress, but my heart hath catacombs of darkness that echo day and night. To resist is to deny the tides. Weakness is part of my guise and a master that beateth me mercilessly. I acquiesce.
(No thanks.....oh allright go on then)

The lunchlady turns away to prepare the meal, while our hero walks to the front-left of stage to deliver an interlude of comic relief. This would be unscripted and directed primarily towards the "groundlings", also known as "stinkards", the lowest socio-economic group in attendance. Their appreciation for uncouth and vulgar humour would have been satiated.

Lunchlady returns and hands over paper wrapped meal.

Lunchlady: Receive this, and may it's powers raise you above the savage and closer to God. Recompense is not my task, but my colleague of the coin yonder will require recuperative wishes from your purse.
(Enjoy. Please pay over at the register)

Dan: Blessed be thee.
(Ta very much.)

Our hero exits stage left. End.