Don't Mind Me, Just a Little Self Flagellation

It's just one word. One little word, a beautiful bastard of a word, but you can't say it can you?

No.

Never? Not ever? I know why you can't too. Oh yes, you walk tall and deal with things. Your mask is a very tight fit you know. Whenever someone gets their fingers under it you turn away. Why?

I don't know.

Yes you do you faker. You know very well. Your not so clever that you can fool yourself. Your scared, you weak fool, scared of what you might find behind that mask.

Maybe, but why am I so happy then?

Who said you weren't? You just don't trust yourself to take a little more.

Greed, too much of a good thing.

Tish and tosh, there you go. Everything in moderation you quip. Why don't you trust yourself? You feel it don't you?

Well, yes.

That hesitation just makes it more relevant. You can feel it in your guts, that painful perfect slow burn. That scrape up your spine that ends with a tingle. Your daydreams of what may be if only you could say what you feel. Your emotionally retarded my friend, you confront it with a facade. You dip a toe occasionally and recoil even if the waters warm. When many around you are having their renaissance you seem to constantly fail to have yours, even when the inspiration is there.

But I want to. I just feel kind of silly saying it. I do WANT to say it.

But when, my boy, when are you going to. Say it once and then duck for cover? It may be cowardice, but at least it's a start. You will probably get laughed at and ridiculed. But no more than you laugh and ridicule yourself. One little word, that can open possibilities. Are you prepared to gamble on it? I don't think you are, you've never been a gambler. You and your stupid pig-headed patience. Your cynicism keeps you safe, but means life is living you, rather than you living life.

I think it's rather sad that I can't feel sad.

Feel? You flatlined the feel factor long ago. The troughs were deep, and your scared of them. You think they follow the peaks just as night follows day. How did someone get so stupid? Oh ofcourse, you feel you don't deserve the peaks? Right?

Uhm, not sure about that.

Get a grip. It's not about deserving. You've done nothing wrong. Your as worthy as anyone else, but you will have to say it. You simply will have to verbalise it. One word, to be uttered.

Soon, maybe.

Humpff!