Stepping from my bathroom attired in only a wet towel, I sensed a presence foreboding and evil. A sense of unease descended upon my person and for good reason as I spotted out of the corner of my eye a small dark shape upon the tiled kitchen floor. As the light was out, scant illumination was being provided from the bathroom so it was difficult to tell exactly what it was, but my increasingly rapid heartbeat and recently noticing quite a few cockroaches in the garden downstairs made the situation rather clear.
An uninvited creature was in my home, and obviously had designs of staking a claim.
Intense moments such as these should never be tackled when dressed in only a towel, rather full chemical/biological/radiation suit should be donned and one should be armed with a full arsenal of creature elimination weaponry. However, my adversary had obviously planned it's arrival purposely to catch me off guard and now waited motionless for the opportunity to attack my toes, as they always ALWAYS do. I assessed my options:
- Insect Spray
Drats, it sits upon the fridge with the beast between me and it. I would need to leap over the cunning devil to reach it and hope he doesn't catch one of my toes as I soar over. Not worth the risk.
- Negotiate
Never. Cockroaches show no mercy. They will laugh at your offers and then attack.
- Cry
Tried it before, doesn't work.
And then I notice nearby the solution. Not a perfect solution, but probably the best any man in a wet towel could come up with at short notice. A shoe sits upon the floor. Primitive and brutal, I am left with no choice. Now, this needs some skill because I need to get close enough to discharge the weapon before the creature leaps at me and I need accuracy because I will probably only get one go. Prepared mentally and physically, I step slowly towards it. I'm unnerved as it doesn't move at all, cool as a cucumber. A perfect metre away and.......
I STRIKE !
A perfect hit, I proceed to rain blows down upon it like a mad man. Powerful and violent I can feel a bloodlust as I reclaim my territory and leave no doubt of who will come out of the encounter the best. With no movement from the creature I fall back and breathe deeply, satisfied that the battle has been won. A few minutes pass and I collect myself allowing the adrenaline to soak away. The creature is motionless and still looks the same as when I first spotted it. The time comes for me to switch on the kitchen light and observe my prize.....
.... it turned out to be a large piece of black fluff....... not a cockroach..... I really must clean my kitchen floor more often.
No cockroaches, but some lost millipedes, an array of daddy long-legs spiders and a beetle who seems to be bossing some of the ants around - all are asylum seekers hoping to find refuge from the floods outside in the nice piles of dust in my lounge room and environs. Perhaps HQ had sent in a fluff dummy to test out your initiative in combat? I'm sure they'd say your're more than ready for the swat team.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, it was a diversionary tactic. I'm surprised there wasn't a gang of them viewing my performance waiting for their opportunity to attack from the flanks.
ReplyDeleteThey will never take my toes alive !