Superfluous Pants and the Technofear

When did modern technology become so rude?

Let's set the scene. Arriving back at my apartment after a day of work, the humidity and heat made my workclothes uncomfortable and clingy. I hate them really, the shirt that rubs my neck and the god-awful pants that never seem to sit comfortably. No sooner had the door slammed behind me than the work duds were dispensed with and I stood, pantsless, before my wardrobe wondering where my comfortable denim shorts were hiding. Alas, the whole transformation was done in haste and (again) I had failed to draw the window blind and had unwittingly revealed my nakidity upon the world outside my window (which is a bloody big window mind). Squealing in a decidedly non-masculine tone, I quickly saved my blushes covering up my naughty bits (yes that's right, nipples) with my hands and leaping behind an adequately sized pot plant (which was almost dead and rather small, sadly). Peculiar fantasies raced through my mind of the inhabitants in the womens fitness centre across the road seeing this spectacle and being overcome with lust. The truth being more that the viewing would be motivation enough to keep working hard to avoid looking like I. Who cares, what's wrong with naked!

Now suitably clad, I wandered down to the local shops in search of sustenance. This is usually a nightly journey as my fridge is used mainly for inedible substances. The other day I found a spare set of keys, a Jimi Hendrix CD, and a packet of chewing gum in there. Oh yeah, well what do you keep in YOUR fridge then? Yeah well, ok that does sound pretty good then being food and all. Anyway, at the shops I got what I wanted (something in a can to eat, something in a can to drink) and proceeded to one of the self-serve checkouts that are fairly new. You know the one's, where you scan the items yourself receiving nothing from the attendant other than a contemptuous sneer as you fumble about. I actually don't mind these as it is better than being served by the person who appears to be about to give up on life and bring a machine gun into work with them. The problem is that when you have finished the scanning and paid, the voice from the machine emits a firm "please take your items!" which is only one level up from "we have your money, our interest in you is now extinguished, please go away!". Rude.

Even in my home it doesn't end. Last night I was doing some things on my computer when it all of a sudden popped up a message saying a windows update had occurred and required to be shutdown and restarted. I was right in the middle of something for goodness sake. I leapt to my feet, pantsless, and shaking a finger at the screen exclaimed "You swine, how dare you!". I was then distracted when I noticed my window blind was up. Rude.

At 6:10AM this morning the shrill of the alarm broke my slumber with all the subtlety of electrodes on testicles just when I was in the middle of a terrifying nightmare about electrodes on testicles. Furious, I leapt from my bed, pantsless yet wearing a small beret on my head..... why, I hear you ask? Because it was time to get up.... oh the beret.... because I went to bed after dark and because there was no light outside I usually don't lower the blind. The beret can quickly be used to recover my modesty. It's up here for thinking, down there for dancing. And you thought it was going to be something weird and perverted didn't you? Honestly, where is your mind!

So, what all this means is that I feel modern technology needs some decent manners. The self-checkout should thank you and wish you a pleasant day. Your PC should gently enquire if it would be allright to shutdown and restart. The morning alarm should wake you by saying "psst! uhm excuse me but you really should be getting up if that's allright with you". And the system generated form letter from the local council tersely warning you that indecent exposure is a crime should instead be more understanding of the complexities associated with window blind operation and the pantsless man.

Here endeth the ramble.